Resilience and Growing Pains
“A champion is not defined by their wins, but by how they can recover when they fall.”
In order to grow, and in order to win, we must be willing to take risks. What does it mean to take a risk? It means to know failure or pain is a possibility, and then choose to move forward in pursuit of your goal despite that possibility. If we don’t trust our ability to withstand the pain of failure, we will not be able to take risks, and therefore, limit our growth. This trust in our ability to handle negative situations is also known as resilience.
Resilience is developed through our lived experiences. From a young age, we are learning about ourselves and our environment, testing limits if we are allowed, and building up confidence and resilience over time. We must be given the opportunity to learn and grow, to stretch, to make mistakes, and to use our own critical thinking and decision-making abilities to work out the problem and recover to try again. If we do not develop in these ways, it will be harder for us to be willing to take risks in pursuit of success later on. We start with small risks and graduate to having the confidence in our ability to take larger risks. Remember, taking a risk is assuming the possibility of failure and knowing you can survive it. And not only survive it, but see it as a learning opportunity. Failure is an essential teacher, showing us what doesn’t work and what to do differently next time, steering us back on course and pointing us in the right direction.
(Parents and Coaches, check out the Tips at the end of this blog to support your young athlete in developing resilience)
Forged in the Fire, Growing Through Pain
Have you ever seen how a steel blade, such as a Samurai katana is created? It is a sacred and painstaking art, starting with a lengthy and repetitive process of heat and percussion. Cubes or shards of impure iron and carbon are collected and then thrust into raging flames until malleable, then stricken with force over and over, hammering out impurities and compressing the metal. The metal is heated and hammered, folded on itself, hammered, heated, and hammered again until steel is forged, the metal having become denser and stronger. When this process is complete, additional steps are taken to shape and sharpen the blade before it is ready to be wielded.
This is what it is to develop resilience. There are no shortcuts. If this process does not take place, the blade cannot withstand the force of battle, splintering or shattering upon first strike. We humans are the same way. We can’t expect to be strong enough to meet challenges head on if we are not willing to get knocked around, tested, and forged in the fire.
You may have heard the term “growing pains,” and understand this as a natural part of physical development. When you apply this pursuing growth, you will be able to understand that when we push ourselves beyond our limits, many times it’s going to hurt mentally, physically, or both. It hurts to tear down and rebuild muscle. It hurts to feel our legs and lungs burning when we will our bodies to keep just taking “one more step.” And it hurts to meet feelings of shame, disappointment, and heartbreak when we lose a big game, match, or race - especially when we gave it our all. When we hurt, we are presented an opportunity for growth. There is always a lesson in pain, even if we don’t see it immediately. We don’t need to be in a hurry to uncover the lesson, in fact, it is best that we allow ourselves to first sit with our pain. To experience it, to move through it in our own time, and then stand back and see the lesson more clearly. When you take that lesson and apply it next time out, you have chosen growth, and you will see it pay off.
Steph Curry has recently spoken about how he practices at a higher level of intensity and speed and for longer duration than real games. This is to forge him for battle, to push limits, and exceed the demands of gametime competition. In doing so, he says everything seems to “slow down” during the game, allowing him to trust he’s been here before, he’s gone harder, and has confidence and ease in his efforts when we see him play. Recently, Sacramento Kings point guard De’Aaron Fox practiced with Curry and said after the workout that he was completely exhausted, and that he had cramps in his forearms, biceps, and triceps, saying he had never experienced anything like it. To be a warrior, you have to test yourself, and practice and conditioning are safe containers to do just that. Take advantage and maximize this opportunity to hone your skills, muscle memory, confidence, and endurance.
Why Do We Fear Failure?
As we approach something new, uncomfortable, or something that has caused us physical or emotional pain in the past, we may experience fear. Fear is a primal warning system, indicating there may be danger lurking. It is there to protect us and deter us from meeting pain or death. Often, we fear the emotional pain of failure or the physical pain of injury. Even with physical injury, there is often an emotional component when can result in “fear-avoidance” of engaging in the same behavior that got us hurt, even if we want to. As you can see, this can be very tricky. The good news is that we humans also have the ability to step back and process and assess whether there is truly danger, or if it just FEELS dangerous. We can then decide if we are going to let the fear scare us away, or just see it as false alarm and keep on moving.
Here’s an example: imagine you are in bed at night and you see a shadow on the wall that looks like a big arm, and hear a scratching on the window from outside. Our primal (“lizard”) brain kicks in and says “run or get ready to fight, that is an intruder coming to get you!” Our body will kick into “fight or flight,” and if there is no where to run, our body will freeze and shut down. When you realize this shadow and noise are only a tree branch waving in the wind and scratching on the window, your fear melts away. Fear is a great way to protect us if there truly IS danger, AND we have the ability to see through it and shut it down when we can acknowledge the facts of the situation. (More on “Fear,” “Perception,” and “Injury Rehab is a Matter of Body and Mind” in future posts).
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
Resilience is something that can only be developed through experience. If we let fear stand in our way and choose to stay safe and avoid failure or pain, we will always be fragile and and limited by fear, never becoming stronger and learning to trust ourselves. In this state, we may desire the glory, but if we are not brave enough to take the risks necessary to get there, we will feel dissatisfied, angry, frustrated, unhappy, and even bitter or envious of those we feel are experiencing the success and receiving the praise and accolades we crave. We may know we are capable, and we can sit back and say “that could be me, I’m better than that guy,” but with nothing for show for that talent if we don’t put ourselves to the test, being willing to endure failure to succeed in the end. Bravery without fear, is not bravery. Fear is a key ingredient in what it means to be brave or courageous, don’t run from it, embrace it and bring it along for the ride. Resilience is the quality of being durable, of trusting yourself to handle whatever comes. Resilience is knowing that you can figure it out, and that you can find and use the resources you need to recover from set-backs, so you can feel free to attack the challenge. You meet success not by playing it safe, but by daring to give it your all.
Do you expect yourself to have a skill mastered, or to be completely ready before you step on the field or court to perform? Do you fear embarrassment, ridicule, hearing “I told you so” from the haters? Are you afraid your loved ones will be disappointed in you, like their happiness and love for you depends on your success? Do you doubt your ability to bounce back if you fail? Do you constantly try to find ways around pain and struggle to do things safely and cleanly? Do you expect perfection or nothing at all? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, and you let these fears and doubts stand in your way, it’s going to be a lot harder to meet your potential. Now, these fears and doubts are not a life sentence. The key is to act despite the fear and doubt, not to wait for them to be gone. You have to say “I know I can handle set backs and am willing to step to the challenge even if I don’t do it perfectly.” Each time you do this, each time you thrust yourself into the fire to be forged, you are becoming stronger, wiser, and more unstoppable. And you are more likely to win when you take this approach.
Timeout for a Mindful Moment:
Pay attention and feel into your body and see what you notice. Are you tense? Are you feeling resistance? Do you notice pressure or negative feelings arising in your mind or body? If so, know this is natural. This message may be hitting with you, showing you this might be an area for you to lean into and work on. Take three deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth, remind yourself you are on the road to resilience.
Then proceed.
“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
Daring to Fail and Handling Haters
Remember Simone Biles in the 2020 Summer Olympics, getting the “yips” and having to bow out on the world stage when she was expected to win it all? Recall Mikaela Shiffrin in the 2022 Winter Olympics failing to medal in any of the events she entered when she was favored to stand atop every podium? The greats fail. They fail often and fail big. We forget this when we know them as “champions.” It’s hard to imagine Tom Brady losing a Super Bowl, Michael Jordan failing to get his team to the NBA Finals, Muhammad Ali getting knocked down, or Serena Williams failing to move past the quarter-finals in a tournament. But guess what… all of these things have happened. It is because they were willing to endure set-backs and painful failures that they achieved greatness and are icons of sport. You have heard them all echo the same truth in some form or fashion: that in order to meet glory, you must be willing to meet failure. And every single one of these legends has had their fair share of haters who love it when they fail.
“Haters are a good problem to have. Nobody hates the good ones. They hate the great ones.”
Whether you are a high school athlete or a pro, when you fail, you will hear the voices of the haters. The talking heads, in the IG comments, in the halls of your school, they will offer their two cents about your poor performance. The thing is, haters aren’t winners and talk is cheap. Haters don’t have a champion mindset, nor are they likely willing to risk public ridicule in pursuit of their dreams. You have nothing to prove to people who don’t know you, don’t believe in you, or want to see you fail - they don’t care what you have to say, they don’t care how much you accomplish, they will always find something to hate. And the better you get, the more they deflect. If they can’t hate on your game, they will hate on your shoes, or your hair, or your weight, or your name, or the way you talk, or the way you walk. Even if you make the Hall of Fame, there will still be people who hate. It has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with them. Their opinions don’t matter and should never stand in your way. They are voices of pain, of regret, of envy. They are voices of those who have not succeeded, so want to tear you down because misery loves company. These voices do not reflect the truth, so don’t waste your energy reacting to them. The only voices worth your time and attention are your own internal knowing and belief, and the wisdom of those who have achieved what it is you want to achieve. Why would you listen to someone who has never been where you want to be? They have nothing to offer you other than pointing out that you are one to watch, that your success threatens them in some way. So keep on keeping on, and remember this as you proceed in greatness.
Final Thoughts:
Resilience is gained through experience, trial and error, risking failure to get the reward. Emotional barriers to taking risks are the hardest to overcome, fearing what (or who) you could lose if you lose. It’s not that you fear losing a game, the pressure comes from feeling that you can’t recover, that you will be devastated by shame or losing love or approval that hinges on your success. Being gentle with yourself and encountering failure and recovering will show you how strong you are, and you will experience growth through those “growing pains.” Haters will hate, so tune them out. End of story, they deserve none of your energy. You know your worth, you know what you can do, what they say is not a measure of your greatness. Go out and take some risks today and watch yourself grow and transform into a champion!
If you want to tackle resilience and growth in a structured way, check out the Resilience and Growth Journal in the Shop coming in late November.
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Tips for Parents and Coaches:
(informed by German-American psychologist Eric Erickson’s “Stages of Psychosocial Development”)
Do:
provide them fertile ground to wrestle with their own choices and learn to make decisions
let them take risks and make mistakes, and be in the background for support if THEY ask for it
praise them for their EFFORTS, not the outcome regardless of their success or failure
offer them space to sit with their own consequences and help them learn how to bounce back
when they are ready to talk after a failure, ask questions about what they learned and what they think they can do better next time
Result: your young athlete will learn to make choices to develop autonomy. They learn their limits, are comfortable pushing for growth, and trust their judgment and ability to bounce back from failures. They will learn how to dust themselves off and try again to develop confidence and resilience, trusting they have you in the wings supporting and encouraging them, and they trust themselves to recover. Holding space for them to choose whenever possible, not interfering with their learning through trial and error, will lead them to be strong and confident, and willing to step to any challenge with courage.
Don’t:
control and choose for them, depriving them of the chance to choose for themselves
shield them from the consequences of their own mistakes
become angry and criticize or punish them harshly for making mistakes
shun, ridicule, or shame them when they don’t perform to their potential
before they are ready, give them your two cents on how they failed or what they should have done
Result: your young athlete will be timid and afraid, not trusting themselves and fearing negative outcomes. They will focus more on what they stand to lose (your love and approval, privileges, self-esteem) if they fail, so won’t even attempt. Or, they if they attempt, they may falter and crumble under pressure, crippled by anxiety and self-doubt. If they aren’t given the chance to make their own choices, recover from set-backs, or are emotionally wounded by you when they fail, they will not want to try and will not develop resilience. Sometimes, they may push back and outwardly rebel (tantrum, stonewall), or inwardly resist (body shuts down, crumble in the heat of competition or freeze up).