Acceptance
Acceptance = Liberation
When we hear the word “acceptance,” many of us think of submission, of giving up or giving in, we imagine it equals defeat. Nothing could be further from the truth. Everything in life exists in a gray area, dancing between extremes, balancing dueling ideas at once. How can it be that acceptance is actually empowering? How can it be that letting go can mean opening doors, not closing them? Let’s find out…
As Carl Jung put it “What we resist persists.” I like to imagine a finger trap… you know, that old silly toy that you’d stick your fingers in, working to release them, but to no avail. The more you tug and pull apart your fingers, the more you resist, the tighter the woven bamboo toy would grip, keeping you stuck. It’s that way with the mind, too. The more we deny, fight against, or hate the experience of chronic pain, the tighter its grip becomes. Throughout this series of blogs, you’ll come to see how everything about our experience is directly linked to how our mind interacts with our body.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The wisdom to know the difference. That’s the key, here. When looking at your pain experience, stop and ask yourself, “what can I control, and what is out of my control.” If you can start identifying the different aspects of your pain, all the things contributing to it, you can start to categorize these things into two buckets. Let’s imagine a person has chronic low back pain due to a herniated disc. They likely experience the following: muscle tension, worry and fear, limited mobility, loneliness and isolation, irritability, naturally occurring pain from the affected tissue, hopelessness, frustration, joint stiffness, brain fog, exhaustion, and helplessness. The list could go on and on. But of these things listed, which can a person control at all, and which are a matter of “it is what it is?”
Can Control
Muscle tension
Worry and fear
Hopelessness and helplessness
Limited mobility
Joint stiffness
Frustration and irritability
Brain Fog
Loneliness and isolation
Exhaustion
Can’t Control
Herniated disc condition
Naturally occurring pain from tissue
Limited Mobility
Joint stiffness
As you can see, there is only a handful of parts that are out of one’s control, while there are many elements of the pain experience that a person potentially has any control over. So, what acceptance is all about, is taking first, what is in the “Can’t Control” category and practicing absolute radical acceptance for those things. If the tissue is damaged, if it is permanently altered, no amount of hating it or wishing it weren’t so will change that. In fact, these feelings are what contribute to an increased pain sensation in the end. The quicker we are to accept what it is, then we can dedicate all our energy toward working to change the things we DO have control over. And when we accept rather than resist, naturally, our body chemistry and physiology changes. For instance, when we are resisting the truth of our condition, are angry at it, angry at God/universe (whomever dealt us this hand of cards), depressed by it, we actually create toxic chemicals in our brains and bodies. We create muscle tension, we create stress hormones, we create brain fog. And the longer we stay in a pattern of stress and resistance, the more exhausted and defeated we become. And, all of these toxic chemicals released from negative emotional states make your pain experience more intense. It’s a vicious cycle of emotions and pain experience, and the sooner we can get a handle on our minds, the sooner we can start to experience reduced pain, improved clarity of mind, improved mood, positive outlook, improved relationships, increased mobility, etc.
The two arrows of suffering
In Buddhist philosophy, it is believed that the root of suffering has to do with attachment. Attachment has to do with clinging to pleasure and resisting/avoiding pain. Buddhist culture recognizes that when we get hooked on attaching ourselves to an expectation, it often leads to disappointment, yearning, lack, sadness, frustration, what have you. There is an idea within this philosophy that goes like this: There are two arrows of suffering. The first is the thing that is. The pain. The root of that pain. The biological condition of migraine, tissue damage, peripheral sensitization, etc. Then, there is a second arrow which we inflict on ourselves in response to the first painful experience.
Isn’t it bad enough to be shot with one arrow? Most would say “yes,” and yet, often in response to the first arrow, we go ahead and inflict more suffering with a second arrow. This second arrow is our emotional and physical reaction to that initial trigger. We add in extra suffering by fighting it, trying to change it, cursing it, denying it. So, here the goal is to allow our pain experience to be that of just one arrow, not two. The second arrow is what we can focus on as the thing we can change. Let’s not make the pain worse by shooting ourselves with an unnecessary second arrow.
So, how do we accept discomfort?
It is a consistent practice over time. Start with mindful awareness of what you are resisting and work to open and allow rather than fight those things. Having a daily practice of this awareness will lead to you being able to notice that resistance in the moment and begin to accept and allow in real time. It will become second nature and align with your daily life over time.
To start, see if you can be deliberate in tuning in by following these steps at least once a day to get familiar with the process:
Start with the breath.
Use your breath as your anchor. We’ll get more into the breath in future blogs. For now, find a natural posture that allows you to breathe deep into your belly and back out in a nice, natural, rolling flow. Don’t hold your breath. Take a nice long inhale in through the nose and as soon as that flow of air in reaches your belly, allow it to flow right back out as a long exhale through the mouth. Sit and try to count 10 breaths and allow yourself to become rooted in that sense of calm. Your mind will want to wander, just notice when it does and bring it back to the breath. It’s okay to get distracted, be patient and just bring your attention back to the breath if your thoughts wander. This will naturally relax your nervous system, and allow you space to notice what you feel.
Notice what you are experiencing.
Next comes expanding your awareness outward from the breath. Once you have anchored yourself in your breath, see if you can start to notice what you are feeling in your body and mind, any pain sensations, uncomfortable emotions.
Allow these things to exist in this moment.
Do all you can to notice and observe rather than have an automatic impulse to reject the uncomfortable thing. Rely on the breath here to bring you home, to help you anchor and allow, like clouds floating by, the things you feel and think, without rushing to change them. Breathe and allow.
Hold compassion for yourself.
Know this is a challenging thing to attempt. Your natural instinct is to fight against the pain. That’s okay. Offer yourself patience and acceptance in not being able to wrangle it all at once. This is another layer of suffering, judging ourselves and resisting our own process. Just know it will take time. And when you get lost, just bring it back to the breath.
That’s it. Let go and allow. Notice your muscle tension releasing as you breathe and simply exist, not trying to change anything. You notice pain, you notice anxiety, you notice frustration. They are there. And you allow them to exist without adding anything extra.
This is not easy, yet it is a vital starting point to feeling like you are in control of your life. With chronic pain, it is important to find this balance to feel empowered. This is just the beginning. Later, we will discuss how to take control over the emotions we feel and start to change some of our automatic negative habits to feel better from the inside out. Stay tuned!
Please share any thoughts or questions on acceptance in the comments below.
Take good care.